theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
