apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize