Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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