my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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