Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
