Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
