yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
