Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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