dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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