i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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