jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
