He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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