May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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