How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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