she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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