We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
