i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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