God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
