im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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