I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
