woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
