he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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