can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
