So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
