Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
