A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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