she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
