well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize