i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
