then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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