I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
honey bunches of taint.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
