She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
