Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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