You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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