dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
