the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
