matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize