My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
