i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
