I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
