Barsexuality is the new black.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
