I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
