Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
