You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
