Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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