hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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