Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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