Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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