Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I cannot find my penis.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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