Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
