I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
We had sex on a dog bed..
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
