There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
