please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
