party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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