I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
we're making bets on your personal life
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
