If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
