Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
