I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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