I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
