I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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