Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
