Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
