Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
