Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
