i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize