she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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