Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
