She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
