She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
