I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So apparently I’m into choking now
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
