I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
