Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
