found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
