I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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